Gifts of Grieving

I realize that my posting has become less frequent over the last month.  I know I have mentioned at least once that my own daughter, Kate Bronwyn, died suddenly.  She died from encephalitis that resulted from bacterial meningitis on May 12, 2002.  In 2002, the day she died was also Mother's Day.  That holiday has never been the same for me and with my own mother's failing health and the time to really grieve without distractions, I experienced a tidal wave of grief this year.   There is no rhyme or reason to the seasons of grief and I have learned over the years that certain times will always bring a mixture of sadness and memory to bear.  Anniversaries of birth and death and holidays seem to be the most potent because they are tied to so many cultural expectations.  I spent time just feeling what I needed to feel and moving through the feelings to the other side.  I visited the cemetery on the 12th, cleaned her marker and was grateful to be amongst the memorials for so many and the celebrations of life they represent.  I was really surprised and pleased to find a bench dedicated to a wonderful couple near Kate's space.  I feel like Jim is there with her in spirit.

It was no accident that I traveled to Portland to attend the Northwest Council on Family Relations annual conference.  I have served on the board for 3.5 years and it has been very rewarding. Our theme this year was Resiliency in Children and Families.  This conference featured presentations from Terry Cross, founder of the National Indian Child Welfare Association, who spoke eloquently on Culture as a Resource for Resilience: A Relational Worldview Perspective.  The conference also featured a two hour training by Jana and Heather from the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families on Grief at Any Age: A Developmental Look at Loss.  I was on the planning committee and knew that I could add to the program with my own experiences of grief and loss and my preference for experiential education.  I also knew that the conference bumped right up to my own time of loss and memory so I had to be ready and clear in my process.

I was really glad that I had chosen to stay within my own comfort zone of delving into the feelings and experience of grief and how those inform how we can be effective as educators and clinicians. The presentation from the Dougy Center team was mostly intellectual and filled our left brain with knowledge.  There was little time to touch our feelings outside of empathy for some of the stories and resources they shared.  I was especially touched by an excerpt from a French film, Ponette, that portrays a young child coping with her mother's death.   Terry Cross reminded us that each of us uses the filter of our culture and our relationships to understand the world.  The Relational World view that he presented works with balance and harmony as keys to understanding change and points of intersection with a cyclical view of being that includes mind, body, spirit and context.  The relational or cyclical worldview comes from the native or tribal wisdom.  I find this supported my own workshop the following day.

I believe that I need to experience the waves of grief as they come and to be present to the what arises in order to have my own harmony and balance restored.  Grief, like any good strong wave, can pull me way off balance.  I have realized that the first of my gifts is the ability to speak to my own grief and to allow others to look at theirs.  This has not always been easy for me but with the help of friends and family, therapy, nature, self-reflection, art, singing, worship and other healing arts (massage and acupuncture) I have survived and really thrived for the most part.

I did not get a complete count but I believe that about twenty-five people, all women, mostly young adults, attended my session.  I started by telling my own story and then we talked about all the types of loss that can trigger grief.  We then explored the ways into the grief process through the senses and explored how each sense has a component that resonates with someone.  I brought a quilt that a dear friend made from me eight years ago from some of Kate's clothes. The sense of touch and being wrapped in those fabrics never fails to bring me comfort and memory.  Some of the pieces of fabric are from clothes I made her and others from pieces my sister Betsy made for her.  I brought my Tibetan singing bowl to remind them of how potent sound can be and to remind them that sound is often the last sense to leave the dying person.  I have heard at least two people talk about singing to Pete Seeger as he lay dying.  We have Threshold Singers who sing to the dying on their journeys in our community.  One of our friends died last fall and the singers helped her a great deal.

There were many tears shed and shared and it was good to just let go in a safe place.  The only rule I started with was that there are no rules for grief.   We used my Gaian Tarot deck to trigger more conversation and memory.  My sister's dear friend designed and created the deck.   I use it in my own process and I selected cards that spoke to all sorts of grief experiences, ranging from joy to deep sorrow.  I had them pick a card that spoke to them and share if they wished how it spoke to them.  In our short time we had many wonderful stories, some of which were very sad.  At the end, we closed with a meditation drawn from the Buddhist tradition.  I combined some of Thich Naht Hahn's wisdom with a variation on a meditation on compassion I learned from studying the work of teacher and author Jack Kornfield.

I do not know the author but this bench lightened my day.  One of the amazing gifts the cemetery offered.

The biggest compliment I have received was from one of the graduate students with whom I have worked and known for several years.  She told me that this was the fourth year she had come to the conference and that this was the best workshop she had been to in the four years.  It was risky to do an experiential workshop on grief in the 60 minutes but it was just enough and I think we all came away richer for the experience.  I shared some of the gifts I had been given and learned and they shared their own.  I am incredibly grateful to do the work I do and to be allowed the time and space to turn my experience into something that can help others.

I will close today with a poem I wrote about grief while attending a workshop with Kim Stafford, poet and author.  It is titled Sister Grief Comes to Call.

Sister Grief Came to Call

Drew Betz, author

12/30/08

Sister Grief dropped in today.

I welcomed her with tears and questions.

What now? Why now?

She is capricious and yet not so  much in reality as in my mind.    

She surprised me today with a flood of tears and a gift of memory.

Kate and Edith danced in my heart.

Sister Grief called today and she stayed for awhile.

She remained after the tears had run their course

and lived in the warmth of my eyes.  She ruminated in

My heart about what I hold dear.

I let her guide me on the path and we danced together

to a song of our own creation. 

I love Sister Grief because she reminds me I am alive.  When she goes I

let her take my burden of grief.  It will always be hers to bear.

I share it when I may.

Sister Grief dropped in today and I welcomed her.

She doesn’t stay long these days.

I am grateful for her embrace and lighter as she leaves.

She will come again.

I will always make room for her because she is a friend.

Today's quote from Gratefulness.org is "Fragrance remains in the hand that gives the rose." Heda Bejar

May you be blessed today with your own gifts of grief and move into a day of great celebration and aliveness!  I will.

Thanks for reading.

Halfway Point Reflections

Thanks to all of you who are reading this blog and letting me know what you think and what you are learning about me and the issues I am presenting.  I know the last entry was long and detailed.  This will be shorter.

I am still in recovery mode from my cold.  Such is life.  I am grateful to have the space to do it in my own home rather than having to recover in an office environment where every sneeze and blow of the nose causes people to shudder.  It will take time.

I was able to attend church on Sunday and joyfully sing.  I  believe that singing is a very healing activity.  I was so moved by being able to join my voice with others and in swaying to the African rhythms of the BUF choir as they enchanted us with a special Alleluia chorus.   Our closing hymn was the traditional Easter alleluia set to the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Lo, the Earth is Risen Today.   I was able to trill with the best of them while singing the refrain.   The whole experience was just what I needed.  Earlier in the year I purchased a new hymnal and dedicated it to my daughter Kate Bronwyn Oakley, who died on May 12, 2002.  She was a singer and deeply connected to our faith tradition.  I found the hymnal and read her name and started to cry in her memory.  I ended up shedding tears off and on during the day and the next.  A wave of grief that I am grateful to experience.  Being in a faith community, whichever one calls to us, is a protective factor for coping with life for those who find harbor there.  I was moved to remember the myriad of rosaries that were left by migrants at the chapel at San Juan Bosco Albergue in Nogales, Sonora, Mexico.  I brought one home and placed it on my own altar of remembrance to remind me of the loss and hopes that I share with the women and men on the journey.

Rosaries being offered as gifts to our delegation.  For fellow travelers. San Juan Bosco Albergue.

I am at a halfway point of this sabbatical and I thought it would be good to reflect on what I have learned to date.  The list is not exhaustive but what is popping for me on this beautiful April morning in Bellingham.

1. Brown lives matter.  The United States has created an intolerable web of policies around immigration and trade that have acted as destructively as how the American Indians were treated, how the Jews were treated during WW2 by this country and other countries that would not aid their escape or even even recognize what was happening in Germany and Poland.  I believe more firmly than ever that we need to take off our blinders about what we as taxpayers are supporting at our mostly southern border - torture, discrimination of the worst sort, death by neglect and more.  It is not pretty and we need to be mindful of this situation not just in the present tense but in how survivors are coping with the losses of their families and livelihoods and separations from their dear ones.  We need to be cognizant of the perils of the journeys our policies are supporting and take responsibility for making an ethical stand.  I have been changed by my experiences on this trip.  

2.  There are many wonderful samaritans, scholars, educators, politicians, activists and survivors whose voices are speaking out and who need to be heard over and over.  I was so impressed by the work that is being done in Arizona that I am more hopeful that the generation of students who are now in high school and college will be part of the change.  

3. There are some improvements we can make in how we structure our programs.  I came away from my SW trip full of ideas about how to incorporate conversations and activities that focus on sexuality, racial/ethnic pride, safety and immigration into our program.  I am still gathering ideas and will continue to do so when I visit NYC next week.

4. I am ready to start acting on what I am learning.  I am starting to explore foundations that might give to our project revision.  I am thinking about expanding our program to serve younger children and their families.  I am ready to plan the May 3rd service at my church about the Immigration Justice Journey.  Mike and I will be doing that together.  I am ready to live the next 3 months to the fullest.

5.  I have been overwhelmed by the generosity I have experienced on this journey to date.  I have stayed at private homes in Arizona, California and Oregon.  A big shout out to our friends Barbara and Ron for showing us hospitality in Portal, Arizona; to friends Marilyn and Dale for allowing us shelter and space to enjoy Healing Waters in Desert Edge, California; to Debbie and Rick for sheltering us in Portland on the journey and twice more before the end of June; Marie Provine and Mike Shelton in Tempe Arizona.  The generosity of people who have shared their work and passion with me: Emrys Staton, Anna Ochoa O'Leary, Jose Rodas, Andrea Romero in Tucson; Darcy Dixon and all her crew in Santa Cruz County, Arizona; Cathi Lamp and her team in dry Tulare County; Benny Rodriguez at Bethlehem Center in Visalia; David Ginsburg and Lucia Kaiser at UC Davis; Marcel Horowitz and her team at Yolo County CE; Lorena Carranza at Sacramento Food Bank and Family Services; and Rebecca White and her Latino Resilience Enterprise Team in Tempe.  Most of all a deep sense of gratitude and relief that my husband Michael came along for the ride and ended up being pulled into the conversation.  I am grateful for the miles he drove and for his company.

6.  I have done some really fun things along the way.  We had a wonderful family reunion at our cousin Marc's home in Palm Springs.  We spent a night in Ashland, OR, on the way home and saw Guys and Dolls at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival (preparation for going to NYC :>)).  We toured windmills, hiked, ate marvelous food, brought home a huge amount of fresh dates, deepened friendships and made new ones, took a side trip to San Diego and visited old friends there, explored Davis, California and I got to attend my first ever spring training game last week in Arizona!  Go Mariners!  They won, it was 95 degrees and I had a great time.

Dark blue clothes in 95 degree weather?  HOT!

7.  I really enjoy blogging.  I promised a shorter post today so I think I will let it go here.  As always, I am grateful for your readership and continued support.  I love hearing from family and friends who are reading.  We are off to NYC a week from tomorrow.  I will post once more before we head out!

Thanks for reading!

Butterflies at the Desert Botanical Gardens near Tempe, a reminder that life is short and to seize the day!