Gifts of Grieving

I realize that my posting has become less frequent over the last month.  I know I have mentioned at least once that my own daughter, Kate Bronwyn, died suddenly.  She died from encephalitis that resulted from bacterial meningitis on May 12, 2002.  In 2002, the day she died was also Mother's Day.  That holiday has never been the same for me and with my own mother's failing health and the time to really grieve without distractions, I experienced a tidal wave of grief this year.   There is no rhyme or reason to the seasons of grief and I have learned over the years that certain times will always bring a mixture of sadness and memory to bear.  Anniversaries of birth and death and holidays seem to be the most potent because they are tied to so many cultural expectations.  I spent time just feeling what I needed to feel and moving through the feelings to the other side.  I visited the cemetery on the 12th, cleaned her marker and was grateful to be amongst the memorials for so many and the celebrations of life they represent.  I was really surprised and pleased to find a bench dedicated to a wonderful couple near Kate's space.  I feel like Jim is there with her in spirit.

It was no accident that I traveled to Portland to attend the Northwest Council on Family Relations annual conference.  I have served on the board for 3.5 years and it has been very rewarding. Our theme this year was Resiliency in Children and Families.  This conference featured presentations from Terry Cross, founder of the National Indian Child Welfare Association, who spoke eloquently on Culture as a Resource for Resilience: A Relational Worldview Perspective.  The conference also featured a two hour training by Jana and Heather from the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families on Grief at Any Age: A Developmental Look at Loss.  I was on the planning committee and knew that I could add to the program with my own experiences of grief and loss and my preference for experiential education.  I also knew that the conference bumped right up to my own time of loss and memory so I had to be ready and clear in my process.

I was really glad that I had chosen to stay within my own comfort zone of delving into the feelings and experience of grief and how those inform how we can be effective as educators and clinicians. The presentation from the Dougy Center team was mostly intellectual and filled our left brain with knowledge.  There was little time to touch our feelings outside of empathy for some of the stories and resources they shared.  I was especially touched by an excerpt from a French film, Ponette, that portrays a young child coping with her mother's death.   Terry Cross reminded us that each of us uses the filter of our culture and our relationships to understand the world.  The Relational World view that he presented works with balance and harmony as keys to understanding change and points of intersection with a cyclical view of being that includes mind, body, spirit and context.  The relational or cyclical worldview comes from the native or tribal wisdom.  I find this supported my own workshop the following day.

I believe that I need to experience the waves of grief as they come and to be present to the what arises in order to have my own harmony and balance restored.  Grief, like any good strong wave, can pull me way off balance.  I have realized that the first of my gifts is the ability to speak to my own grief and to allow others to look at theirs.  This has not always been easy for me but with the help of friends and family, therapy, nature, self-reflection, art, singing, worship and other healing arts (massage and acupuncture) I have survived and really thrived for the most part.

I did not get a complete count but I believe that about twenty-five people, all women, mostly young adults, attended my session.  I started by telling my own story and then we talked about all the types of loss that can trigger grief.  We then explored the ways into the grief process through the senses and explored how each sense has a component that resonates with someone.  I brought a quilt that a dear friend made from me eight years ago from some of Kate's clothes. The sense of touch and being wrapped in those fabrics never fails to bring me comfort and memory.  Some of the pieces of fabric are from clothes I made her and others from pieces my sister Betsy made for her.  I brought my Tibetan singing bowl to remind them of how potent sound can be and to remind them that sound is often the last sense to leave the dying person.  I have heard at least two people talk about singing to Pete Seeger as he lay dying.  We have Threshold Singers who sing to the dying on their journeys in our community.  One of our friends died last fall and the singers helped her a great deal.

There were many tears shed and shared and it was good to just let go in a safe place.  The only rule I started with was that there are no rules for grief.   We used my Gaian Tarot deck to trigger more conversation and memory.  My sister's dear friend designed and created the deck.   I use it in my own process and I selected cards that spoke to all sorts of grief experiences, ranging from joy to deep sorrow.  I had them pick a card that spoke to them and share if they wished how it spoke to them.  In our short time we had many wonderful stories, some of which were very sad.  At the end, we closed with a meditation drawn from the Buddhist tradition.  I combined some of Thich Naht Hahn's wisdom with a variation on a meditation on compassion I learned from studying the work of teacher and author Jack Kornfield.

I do not know the author but this bench lightened my day.  One of the amazing gifts the cemetery offered.

The biggest compliment I have received was from one of the graduate students with whom I have worked and known for several years.  She told me that this was the fourth year she had come to the conference and that this was the best workshop she had been to in the four years.  It was risky to do an experiential workshop on grief in the 60 minutes but it was just enough and I think we all came away richer for the experience.  I shared some of the gifts I had been given and learned and they shared their own.  I am incredibly grateful to do the work I do and to be allowed the time and space to turn my experience into something that can help others.

I will close today with a poem I wrote about grief while attending a workshop with Kim Stafford, poet and author.  It is titled Sister Grief Comes to Call.

Sister Grief Came to Call

Drew Betz, author

12/30/08

Sister Grief dropped in today.

I welcomed her with tears and questions.

What now? Why now?

She is capricious and yet not so  much in reality as in my mind.    

She surprised me today with a flood of tears and a gift of memory.

Kate and Edith danced in my heart.

Sister Grief called today and she stayed for awhile.

She remained after the tears had run their course

and lived in the warmth of my eyes.  She ruminated in

My heart about what I hold dear.

I let her guide me on the path and we danced together

to a song of our own creation. 

I love Sister Grief because she reminds me I am alive.  When she goes I

let her take my burden of grief.  It will always be hers to bear.

I share it when I may.

Sister Grief dropped in today and I welcomed her.

She doesn’t stay long these days.

I am grateful for her embrace and lighter as she leaves.

She will come again.

I will always make room for her because she is a friend.

Today's quote from Gratefulness.org is "Fragrance remains in the hand that gives the rose." Heda Bejar

May you be blessed today with your own gifts of grief and move into a day of great celebration and aliveness!  I will.

Thanks for reading.

The Big Apple, aka New York City, Part 3

As I began to write today I thought of the old familiar name for New York City and "Big Apple" immediately came to mind.  I really had no idea where the name came from and what the heck apples have to do with NYC.  The name was popularized in the 1920's by a sports writer for the NY Morning Telegraph.  I used the ever helpful Wikipedia to enlighten me.  In the 1970's the New York City Visitors and Convention Bureau adopted the name in promotional campaigns and it is still in use today.

I was thinking of my own interpretation of apples - healthy, fresh, temptation, red and round, etc.  I think NYC holds all those paradoxes and more in its existence.    I come from the state of Washington where, like New York state, apples are an important agricultural crop.  We love our apples here.  I have three trees in my small yard.  I think that NYC fed  my soul in a way that apples feed my body.  I felt nourished every day I was there.  I look forward to returning some day.

One of the many wonderful experiences that my colleagues at Cornell Cooperative Extension shared with me was an opportunity to meet Dr. Jane Powers, Project Director for ACT (Assets Coming Together) for Youth Center for Excellence (COE) at Cornell University's Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research (BCTR).   Jane and I met together to discuss the work of the Bronfenbrenner Center and her work with ACT for Youth.  ACT for Youth COE is funded by the New York State Department of Health to reduce risky sexual behavior and to promote positive outcomes among youth.  Jane's group provides technical assistance, training and evaluation support to seventy-seven grantees across the state.  The work of CUCE-NYC is interwoven with the work of BCTR.  Several of the key leaders of CUCE-NYC are part of the BCTR and several of the staff I met are engaged in the work of the Center.

Jane, Jackie and Drew

Jackie Davis-Manigaulte serves on the executive committee for ACT for Youth COE.  She is the program leader for family and youth development at CUCE-NYC and supervises the the NYC staff who are part of ACT for Youth COE.  Jackie is an amazing woman and resource for both internal and external partners throughout the city and state.  She was busy writing proposals the whole time I was in the office!  I am still in awe of the resources she has helped draw to the work of Cornell in the city and the relevance the programs have for urban youth and families.

It was synchronicity at work when Jane said she needed to come to the city from upstate to visit with providers.  I had expressed a desire to learn more about the work at CUCE-NYC that focused on sexuality education.  What came together was a meeting of providers and CUCE-NYC staff, Jane and me over lunch.  Jane and I met to brainstorm a series of questions and the conversation that took place was really rich for all of us.  Jane made it very clear that the session was not about her monitoring compliance and encouraged all the providers/educators to speak frankly about what was working and where there were issues with the mandated programs.

Front row: Melisa, Drew, Jane, Marisol
Back row: Luis, Eduardo, Michele, Ashwini, Ed, Caroline
CUCE-NYC staff and ACT for Youth COE providers

We decided to focus the conversation on three areas with specific focus on teens and immigrant families.  We asked them to describe both the victories and the barriers they experienced in their work, to share the messages that resonate or that frequently pop-up and any wisdom they could share about engaging parents.  What I share is a summary without mentioning specific names of the speakers.  All of the educators worked either in school based or clinic based settings with teens in Manhattan, the Bronx and Brooklyn boroughs.  

Victories

• We are delivering the programs in their language and they are connecting with the kids.  
• Establishing a trust in the context of a class on sexuality can lead to teen coming to the school health center for a one on one meeting with educator who also works in the clinic.
• The community of youth is owning the program and are embracing the messages because they are using peer educators who are embedded in the community.

Challenges - our discussion evolved around the connection between parents and the families and the disconnect than can happen during the process of the adolescent development.

• Parents feel intimidated by many sources and that feeling intensifies when the child starts to pull away from physical contact.
• Parents are trying to prevent the emotional consequences of being intimate which is challenging because they may not have experienced emotional intimacy themselves.  
• Access to services may be a challenge because of (undocumented) immigration status.
• Kids are raising kids and teens are parenting without much parent involvement.
• Need to make all messages non-shaming for teens and for their parents.
• Healthy and unhealthy relationships are based on what they see.

Messages 

• For parents: Use door openers rather than door slammers (What do you think? Where did you hear about that? vs You are too young.  I'll let you know when you can talk about it (sex).
• Virginity and purity were topics to which the group had a wide range of opinions.  The group consensus seemed to be that splitting hairs over virginity was not productive although the youth do it all the time.  They counter these with the following: Stay Safe, Abstinence, Consent in terms of making an informed choice and decision.  Know the consequences.  Violation of consent or non-consent is wrong.  Challenge the preconceived notions that exist around virginity and purity.
• Teach and use the correct names for body parts and the biological processes associated with sexual development, sexual behavior and reproduction.

Parents - other issues to consider

• Imperative to target parents and to teach them to be transparent and clear about both the biology and body parts.
• Encourage both parents and youth to find healthy and comfortable ways to touch each other and their friends and siblings as the youth age.  Touch is an essential need that kids will seek elsewhere if not satisfied at home.
• Advise parents to start where they are.  Have them think about what advice and teaching they received and what they would like their children to have.
• Reinforce messages through publications in Spanish and that are appropriate for different Latino groups (Puerto Rican, Dominican, Mexican, etc).
• Talk about gender with parents and the roles that they grew up with and how gender is perceived today in their communities.
• Start embracing the family that their role in the development of the youth.  Put sexual development into the context of other things, do not make the discussion about SEX to the exclusion of the other changes the adolescent experiences.
• Educate everyone what it means to "stay safe."  Be aware that parents may have experience as either victims or perpetrators or witnesses of sexual assault and/or domestic violence.

I have many thoughts about this conversation and how I can translate some of this conversation into my own work as return to WSU in July.  I will not share those now.

An irony of this trip for me is the memory of our one and only visit to Times Square.  On one side of the street Disney characters where posing like crazy with an intent to get people to attend the Broadway show featuring Disney themes.  On the other side of the street was the Naked Cowboy and his Indian Princesses.  I rushed by in order to get across the street.  What I did see were two young women, mostly or completely naked, breasts painted with feathers in their hair.  Young adult men were thronging around to have their pictures taken with these women and I am guessing the Naked Cowboy was taking the tips.    What messages did that give to the many folks of all colors, ages, sizes and nationalities who thronged the square that day?  I was not impressed and could not get away fast enough from the side show this created.  If and when I return to the city, I will not go out of my way to visit Times Square.   Mike and I created routes that circumvented that three ring circus after our one encounter.

Life in the Big Apple. 

Thanks for reading.

New York City - Part Two

I am finally digesting what I did and learned on my trip to New York City.   I was privileged to visit Cornell University Cooperative Extension - New York City (CUCE-NYC) as I have mentioned in previous posts.  I want to acknowledge the amazing schedule that the team of Jackie Davis Manigaulte, Eduardo Gonzales Jr. and Michele Luc developed for the two days I spent with them in their office on East 34th St.  It was so good to speak with them in groups and as individuals and to get a good sense of what they are doing in New York City.  The parts of the visit that really stood out for me were the meetings, both in groups and individually with CUCE-NYC staff, collaborators and young people.  My memories are jumbled as I tumbled from one meeting into the next so this writing will be helpful.

It was good to start my visit with a Meet and Greet so people could get to know me and I could put names to faces.  I was delighted to be rushed off to visit KC Wagner who I wrote about earlier and then join the group for lunch.  We seemed to do lots of eating while in New York City and it was balanced each day by lots of walking!  A good balance for me.

I was able to spend time with two of the EFNEP (Expanded Food and Nutrition Education Program) community educators, Marta and Gloria, who shared about the work they do in Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens.  I was astounded that they take their rolling carts of program materials on the busy NYC subway trains to get to their locations.  I never saw an elevator at any of the stations so I am imagining that they had to drag those materials up and down the stairs at each station.  They try not to do more than one site per day because of the time it takes to transport themselves and their materials.

Marta Garcia and Gloria Morel, CUCE-NYC EFNEP

Marta and Gloria excitedly showed me some of the props they use.  Prominent in the foreground are five samples that represent the bacteria that grows on meat that is defrosted improperly.  I took a close up so my colleagues in Bellingham can see what can be created to demonstrate food safety issues.  None of what you see is real meat. The samples were made with clay and lentils.  These samples got my attention and it has been a successful strategy in changing home food safety practices and health outcomes of family members according to some of the stories Marta and Gloria shared.

Gloria and Marta told me that among the newer immigrants to New York City are the Mexican immigrants who have come from the state of Puebla.  They were serving them through their program.  I asked them what some of the needs they saw in this community. They said they need access to health care because they do not qualify for the Affordable Healthcare Act because they are undocumented and they need to address domestic violence in that community.  When I asked Marta and Gloria about what concerns the parents were expressing they talked about a growing sense of disrespect being shown by the kids.  They attributed part of this coming from generational differences and part from environmental influences.  I heard from these fine women as I have heard from others that some youth use the threat that they will report their parents to authorities if they enforce discipline (fair or not).  "Parents need to understand the laws and know how not to give away their power."  The parents are very concerned about the focus shift from traditional values of respect and family to more material values.  I have found the nutrition education staff who work with the families and who are embedded in the communities to be great sources of insight in Arizona, California and New York City.

I think I will stop here for today.  Mike and I are going to a performance of the Mariachi Divas at our Mount Baker Theater this evening.  There will be food, drink and lots of people celebrating what is essentially an American Mexican holiday, Cinco de Mayo.  It seems like an appropriate way to honor my focus on Latino life in this country.   Interestingly, the battle 5th of May honors was fought in the state of Puebla.   The Mount Baker is a classic theater built in 1927.  It is a beautiful place to see a show and so much bigger than the theater on Broadway where we saw "It's Only a Play."  I encourage you to check out the website and to view some of the photos of this grand theater.

Rhodies in my neighborhood in all their May glory.  

Thanks for reading!

Thoughts on Aging and Moments of Grace

Owls guard the entrance to Herald Square in New York City.   They remind me to be wise and to attend to those things that bring wisdom to my life.

I have been slow to write this week.  I have been impacted by the health decline of my almost 86 year old mother, Donna.  My sisters, brothers-in-law and I all met last weekend to share information on our mother's health and the needs of both parents.  Our 88 year old father, Jim, is the primary caretaker for our mother who has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's Dementia.  It is a tough reality for all of us.  I took a trip to Tacoma this week and was able to take our aunt Mary Ann, my mother's only sibling, aged 89, out to dinner.  It was my task to tell her in person and I did.  We sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then Mary Ann stated that she knows two brilliant people (my mother one of them) who suffered this terrible disease.  She spoke of her friend Jim and my mother. She remembered my mother's fierce bridge playing skills with admiration.  Then she stated that we all get old and die.  We went on to share a wonderful meal with her.  I was so grateful to have spent that time with her and to be able to see her perspective.  She has described herself to me on more than one occasion as fairly unemotional.  I am not sure about that but I think she rides the waves of life more easily than many and certainly more easily than my mother who suffers not only from dementia but also from lifelong anxiety issues.  These anxiety issues are complicating her condition and we are all hopeful that we can help stabilize her decline with some outside help.

I also took a big step in my own aging process this week.  I walked over to the Social Security Office that is just six blocks from my house and found out what I needed to do to sign up for Medicare Part A.  I will be 65 on June 18th and have been inundated with advertisements for Medicare Supplemental plans.  Obviously the world of insurers knows I am turning 65 as well.  Mike turns 65 in August so we are getting a double dose of mail about medicare plans.  Signing up was significantly more simple than I thought and took less time than it did to wait to speak to someone in person.  It was worth the time and the wait was tempered by a conversation I had with another customer who provided comfort and wisdom about living with debilitating illness.  Her husband died of Parkinson's related complications.  She patted my hand, called me "my darling" and told me to take good care.  It was a special moment of time and grace.  I am grateful for all those moments of grace that come as random acts of kindness and compassion.  I believe they are a gift of being open to life.

The Julia butterfly at Desert Botanical Gardens.  Butterflies are such potent symbols of the fragility and beauty of life.

Tomorrow Mike and I are doing the service at our church on Immigration Injustice and I have been reflecting on what I plan to share.  I plan to speak about the women who shared their stories at the Kino Women's Shelter in Nogales, Sonora and how deeply those stories and images of the women settled with me.  I have been thinking about the anxiety I felt before I went to Tucson and embarked on the Immigration Justice journey.  I doubted my ability to be witness to the grim reality that exists for the undocumented immigrants who are desperate to reach our country, to save their families and themselves.  I was changed by the experience and I will always be reminded of the courage and determination that those women showed in the face of incredible danger and odds against their success.  I hold that image as I go through my life and watch the decline of my own parents and remember the death if my daughter and how I have survived as well.

I will return to writing about NYC and my visit there.  I was reminded this morning about an exercise I used to employ when conducting work and family life balance.  It was called the juggler.  Many of us are juggling roles and responsibilities every day and we mostly are fine and skilled with the juggling act.  I know that I am very good at multi-tasking on most days.  When crisis hits it comes often in the form of a box that requires both hands and it is typical that all the balls drop to the ground for awhile as we gently handle the box and what it contains.  It is usually heavy with some kind of weight - physical, emotional, psychical, financial, etc.  This metaphor has helped me and others develop compassion for the complicated business of life and I recalled it this morning and realized that being present in my extended family for the decline of my mother is that box for me right now.  I will settle it gently on some days, but other times, it will need to be carried.

I will end today's somber post with a couple more NYC photos.  One I shared on Facebook but not on this blog.  Mike and I visited Strawberry Fields in Central Park and remembered John Lennon and his beautiful music, witness to many wrongs and his tragic, untimely death.

Remembering John and keeping the spirit of a united world loving in peace.

The night brings counsel, wisdom shared on a plaque in Herald Square as part of the New York Herald.
The publisher was known for his obsession with owls.  If I go back to NYC I will revisit the square.

I am grateful for the reminder that sleep can bring new wisdom.  I wish that for all of you who have been reading and have been remembering hard things that you have faced or are facing.

Be well and imagine.

Thanks for reading.