Gifts of Grieving

I realize that my posting has become less frequent over the last month.  I know I have mentioned at least once that my own daughter, Kate Bronwyn, died suddenly.  She died from encephalitis that resulted from bacterial meningitis on May 12, 2002.  In 2002, the day she died was also Mother's Day.  That holiday has never been the same for me and with my own mother's failing health and the time to really grieve without distractions, I experienced a tidal wave of grief this year.   There is no rhyme or reason to the seasons of grief and I have learned over the years that certain times will always bring a mixture of sadness and memory to bear.  Anniversaries of birth and death and holidays seem to be the most potent because they are tied to so many cultural expectations.  I spent time just feeling what I needed to feel and moving through the feelings to the other side.  I visited the cemetery on the 12th, cleaned her marker and was grateful to be amongst the memorials for so many and the celebrations of life they represent.  I was really surprised and pleased to find a bench dedicated to a wonderful couple near Kate's space.  I feel like Jim is there with her in spirit.

It was no accident that I traveled to Portland to attend the Northwest Council on Family Relations annual conference.  I have served on the board for 3.5 years and it has been very rewarding. Our theme this year was Resiliency in Children and Families.  This conference featured presentations from Terry Cross, founder of the National Indian Child Welfare Association, who spoke eloquently on Culture as a Resource for Resilience: A Relational Worldview Perspective.  The conference also featured a two hour training by Jana and Heather from the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families on Grief at Any Age: A Developmental Look at Loss.  I was on the planning committee and knew that I could add to the program with my own experiences of grief and loss and my preference for experiential education.  I also knew that the conference bumped right up to my own time of loss and memory so I had to be ready and clear in my process.

I was really glad that I had chosen to stay within my own comfort zone of delving into the feelings and experience of grief and how those inform how we can be effective as educators and clinicians. The presentation from the Dougy Center team was mostly intellectual and filled our left brain with knowledge.  There was little time to touch our feelings outside of empathy for some of the stories and resources they shared.  I was especially touched by an excerpt from a French film, Ponette, that portrays a young child coping with her mother's death.   Terry Cross reminded us that each of us uses the filter of our culture and our relationships to understand the world.  The Relational World view that he presented works with balance and harmony as keys to understanding change and points of intersection with a cyclical view of being that includes mind, body, spirit and context.  The relational or cyclical worldview comes from the native or tribal wisdom.  I find this supported my own workshop the following day.

I believe that I need to experience the waves of grief as they come and to be present to the what arises in order to have my own harmony and balance restored.  Grief, like any good strong wave, can pull me way off balance.  I have realized that the first of my gifts is the ability to speak to my own grief and to allow others to look at theirs.  This has not always been easy for me but with the help of friends and family, therapy, nature, self-reflection, art, singing, worship and other healing arts (massage and acupuncture) I have survived and really thrived for the most part.

I did not get a complete count but I believe that about twenty-five people, all women, mostly young adults, attended my session.  I started by telling my own story and then we talked about all the types of loss that can trigger grief.  We then explored the ways into the grief process through the senses and explored how each sense has a component that resonates with someone.  I brought a quilt that a dear friend made from me eight years ago from some of Kate's clothes. The sense of touch and being wrapped in those fabrics never fails to bring me comfort and memory.  Some of the pieces of fabric are from clothes I made her and others from pieces my sister Betsy made for her.  I brought my Tibetan singing bowl to remind them of how potent sound can be and to remind them that sound is often the last sense to leave the dying person.  I have heard at least two people talk about singing to Pete Seeger as he lay dying.  We have Threshold Singers who sing to the dying on their journeys in our community.  One of our friends died last fall and the singers helped her a great deal.

There were many tears shed and shared and it was good to just let go in a safe place.  The only rule I started with was that there are no rules for grief.   We used my Gaian Tarot deck to trigger more conversation and memory.  My sister's dear friend designed and created the deck.   I use it in my own process and I selected cards that spoke to all sorts of grief experiences, ranging from joy to deep sorrow.  I had them pick a card that spoke to them and share if they wished how it spoke to them.  In our short time we had many wonderful stories, some of which were very sad.  At the end, we closed with a meditation drawn from the Buddhist tradition.  I combined some of Thich Naht Hahn's wisdom with a variation on a meditation on compassion I learned from studying the work of teacher and author Jack Kornfield.

I do not know the author but this bench lightened my day.  One of the amazing gifts the cemetery offered.

The biggest compliment I have received was from one of the graduate students with whom I have worked and known for several years.  She told me that this was the fourth year she had come to the conference and that this was the best workshop she had been to in the four years.  It was risky to do an experiential workshop on grief in the 60 minutes but it was just enough and I think we all came away richer for the experience.  I shared some of the gifts I had been given and learned and they shared their own.  I am incredibly grateful to do the work I do and to be allowed the time and space to turn my experience into something that can help others.

I will close today with a poem I wrote about grief while attending a workshop with Kim Stafford, poet and author.  It is titled Sister Grief Comes to Call.

Sister Grief Came to Call

Drew Betz, author

12/30/08

Sister Grief dropped in today.

I welcomed her with tears and questions.

What now? Why now?

She is capricious and yet not so  much in reality as in my mind.    

She surprised me today with a flood of tears and a gift of memory.

Kate and Edith danced in my heart.

Sister Grief called today and she stayed for awhile.

She remained after the tears had run their course

and lived in the warmth of my eyes.  She ruminated in

My heart about what I hold dear.

I let her guide me on the path and we danced together

to a song of our own creation. 

I love Sister Grief because she reminds me I am alive.  When she goes I

let her take my burden of grief.  It will always be hers to bear.

I share it when I may.

Sister Grief dropped in today and I welcomed her.

She doesn’t stay long these days.

I am grateful for her embrace and lighter as she leaves.

She will come again.

I will always make room for her because she is a friend.

Today's quote from Gratefulness.org is "Fragrance remains in the hand that gives the rose." Heda Bejar

May you be blessed today with your own gifts of grief and move into a day of great celebration and aliveness!  I will.

Thanks for reading.